What kind of person do you want to attract?
Unresolved problems create hellish dependencies, so it’s not lightly asked; who do you want to attract?
You may feel like you could be the answer; the one who is able to heal and restore a certain individual. But that’s not grounds for marriage, that’s a dependant friendship that can flatter you into feeling indispensible, and flatten you like a steam roller once you’ve signed your life over to this unfortunate romantic, endearing, one way ticket to Davey Jones Locker. We all need friends; and friends that are cut of better material than most people.
We all need to help one another; but from a strong base with deep roots. Otherwise we end up needing serious help ourselves.We all want to be needed. We want to have exclusive relationships too. Both things are flattering and make us feel secure; are like a drug that takes away our fear of aloneness…of seeing no image of ourselves in the living mirror of other people’s eyes.
Some public figures have suffered from this fear in the extreme. One to one help can be wonderfully therapeutic for a person.
There’s no doubt that we all need that kind of help at times in our lives, from friends and from professionals if necessary.
The forms grief can take and the reasons it can slip itself around a life loving individual are myriad. A lifelong friend might not comprehend what is going on…many analysts that didn’t put in enough study time could misdiagnose it for something totally unrelated, and administer therapy that actually does long term harm. That’s just one example. You can help, you can guide, you can stand by, you can see them through, you can assist. But you are not a cure. You are a caring friend.
It is just important to understand why that the need trading is needs to be mutually understood as a separate thing from a long term love relationship or marriage.
That sacred relationship requires great depth to build a solid foundation. Not a peculiar need that charms; appeals to your persona; a strength or a certain ability or resources.
We need loyal, stand by me friends, that know when to hold their peace and how to keep confidences.
We need durable friends that can handle our hurtful innocence in speech and action.
We need…and we need to be that for our friends just as surely.
But a lifelong relationship or marriage is not supposed to be the kind of alliance where you get to keep being as sick and wrong headed as you like, while the wife or husband gives you what you need to maintain your comfort zone of deformed belief undisturbed; their masochism or sadism mixed with a property protective attitude about you.
A lifelong relationship isn’t designed as a playground for someone to work out their own hatefulness towards themselves or toward you, or use you as an object on which to heap humiliations; to despise for what they decide you symbolize; perhaps a mother or father who deserted them or a sister or brother that abused them or just someone to blame for their difficulties with the world any day they feel like it.
Why? One reason is because in a truly loving long term relationship, we are supposed to help each other grow in health in every way, not shut off,lock up, stagnate, not feed each other’s diseased thinking…not be judgmental, critical, not harm or encourage or allow harm, because that’s not love.
Another reason is because the quality of your comfort zone is where those hopes and dreams that survive your cynicism spring forth from your spirit into this world; to be born into vulnerable little bodies and spirits, and you could cripple them with your my-comfort-zone-comes-first agenda.
Both codependent husband and wife can cripple their own children without a thought for what harm they are doing; it may be the parents’ damaging and perverse coping skills, or their shallow way of assessing other people’s worth, it may be simply bad physical habits and low survivability lifestyles… but none of it belongs to a relationship based on love; especially a marriage that involves child raising.
So, again ask yourself what kind of a person do you want?
So, who do you want to attract? What kind of person?
Let’s forget about physical traits for a moment and consider the beauty that you’d like to have radiating from within that person.
Sensitivity to your needs and moods?
Caring and nurturing of your hopes and dreams?
Comfort and thoughtfulness when you feel distraught?
Support and loyalty when you need an ally?
Faith in you as a person worthy of all the best fruits of love they can bring you?
Honesty and tactfulness when change from within you is necessary for your success?
Patience and endurance with difficulties that may arise from you?
A modest attitude towards their own accomplishments, but joy in creating, and pleasure in their ability?
Skillful assertiveness and self assurance in all social situations?
Enjoyment of people but equal enjoyment of solitude?
Active interest in exploring the natural world?
Knowledgeabity and activity in world affairs?
Love of learning and pleasure in being able to learn new things?
Love of bringing joy into your life?
Listening intently and with their whole being concentrated on what you are saying when you talk to them?
Excellent at keeping confidences and keeping what goes on between you private?
Builds you up in front of others, never says degrading or humiliating things to others about you, whether you are present or not?
I’m sure you can think of more.
Print out this list if you would like to, and think about all the things you would add.. and go ahead and add them, too.
It might help if you think back on all the people in your past who disappointed you, and what traits you wish that they had in their character.
Perhaps you can remember amazing gestures of kindness without expectation of payment given to you by a stranger that might help you add an item to your list.
It isn’t wrong to seek perfection in others, as far as the edicts of our physical wellbeing goes; after all, genetically we are pretty rigidly and obviously programmed to seek out the physically and mentally perfect, because this genetic preprograming tries in this way to guarantee the persistance of our species existence. And from that innermost steerage point, it has been guiding us to seek out the perfect in others; not just for mating, but for seeking to group the healthiest, most highly skilled. Those most likely to aid in group survival, because skilled group survival aids personal survival.
Each successive layer of our being reinforces that genetically imprinted programming in ever more complex and subtle ways,as the lizardlike survival mentality is left behind, at our core awareness and our layerings of mental adaptations grow outward, so that we end up considering our likes and dislikes, our loves and our hates….purely a matter of our own personal taste. Though our senses confuse the issue with their will to experience instant gratification just for their own amusement.
If we could look into a tree of glass and see all the routes that lead from rootlet biome all the way to the light collecting and water directing leaf,which in a crosscut tree slice we see as rings of growth, or if we could do the same with a perfectly clear onion with its distinct definition of growth layering, we’d have a pretty good visual model of what our mental growth layerings are like.
We know that the fruit is manufactured according to the materials and instructions bound in the seed.
But is that all we are?
Or is this present layer of life we are living; this latest living wrapping of consciousness also self programmable after a certain number and kinds of layerings are accomplished…? After we’ve grown world surfaces above and around that simple consciousness that cares only about survival at any cost? Would such self-progamming threaten the innermost consciousness or at least be interpreted that way? Perhaps only if it was prematurely triggered, before most of a new layer of cells was prepared for the transition.
Might it create a conflict that would surface in somewhat unpredictable ways here and there? Observable through our thoughts creating actions that seem unrelated to the conflict between the tyrannical innermost agenda and some outermost will to act differently?
Perhaps, a lot of the ‘way out of wack’ reactionary violence we are subject to in our world’s pandamoniacal social structure reflects that.
If you look around at the divisions of perfomance modalities, such as the military, the various kinds of human preoccupations, you can see representational manifestations of every consciousness layer we have within us. Not in a discernably tight order..except as perhaps in the order of funding in the power structure that is only partially visible to the common world citizen.But the bits and pieces of an emerging pattern of evolving consciousness is evident.
What shall be the next in this evolutionary layering?
If we truly have evolved sufficiently to exert our rightful inheritance of free will, then fear for ourselves should not halt us, but hope for ourselves should inspire us.
Perhaps therein lies the solution to the conflict; the innermost being is willing to surge toward the goal of the best chance for its continuance, by not just allowing, but by lending its full energy to moving beyond the physical-mental interpretation of perfection and find a greater perfection in the joined puzzle pieces of all of humankind.
Makes me remember a lizard-being engravature by Escher.[sp?] Maybe that’s what he had in mind.
The outer skin of the onion, the outermost bark of the tree; is that which is the first layer to be partially transformed in order to be tough enough to survive contact with the ‘other-than-onion’ or ‘self’ or ‘tree’; whatever surrounds our being out there that we have not yet grown the right kind of eyes to see.
So, evolving human being; who are you really looking for? What kind of person do you really want to travel through time and space and unknown dimensions with?
I don’t know about you, but I’m going to keep my list around.. maybe add a few more things to it.
But as has probably already occurred to you, this list is really a list about what we each need to be for those we love; not a sheet of expectations to measure another against, as if we were inspecting a horse that might be worth bidding on.
We can’t afford codependence, because we are not able to save anyone that way, especially not ourselves; it doesn’t qualify as a redemptive act to flush yourself down a giant hopper; whether you go in feet first or head first.
But neither can we afford arrogance; it’s small wonder that it incites riots and inflames rage in the meekest; after all it’s the red flag of challenge flown by those that willfully choose ignorance.
Too often, we do make mental lists in what we want in a new relationship, without making a list of what we will make more of an effort to give in that relationship.
And if it is really a terribly difficult effort to offer the things on that list to another person, maybe it’s a good time for you to get relationships out of your head for a while and do something that gives you some thinking time but keeps you very busy and away from others that might need your help.. something like mining your own claim somewhere in the Black Hills of North Dakota.. or there’s always hunting for meteorites in Antarctica.. I’ve heard their worth a lot; you could get rich, who knows? You could make enough to build an ice palace.
So what kind of a person do you want to attract? Someone who has a lot in common with you.. at least all the good parts..and has enough sense of humor and toughness to work on changing the not so good parts? But hang on to that list to make sure you won’t forget what good parts you’re supposed to be working on.
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